My Personal Story of Postpartum Anxiety (More Than I Can Handle But Overcome with Grace)

This post is my personal story of Postpartum Anxiety and how I overcame it. As I recount my experience with postpartum anxiety, I am baring myself, open and vulnerable. Even though it’s scary to share this part of my life, I’m sharing this personal story because I want to do my part – in helping at least one mom who is experiencing Postpartum Anxiety. There may be triggering words in this post for moms who had pregnancy losses and intrusive thoughts. 

Becoming a mom was the most joyous occasion in my life. I’ve never felt vulnerable and joyful at the same time. 

Motherhood indeed takes you to a high level of emotions, yet it can also take you to the lowest of low.

You know my career background as a nurse and a mom of three. In my nursing education, we had lessons on perinatal mental disorders, and I’ve never particularly paid much attention to postpartum anxiety as much as postpartum depression.

I couldn’t say I put effort into acquiring more knowledge about the topic before it happened to me. But, when I experienced it with my firstborn, that’s when it all began.

I felt sidetracked when postpartum anxiety (PPA) hit me during my first delivery. I wasn’t entirely aware it could happen that quickly and fiercely. 

But, when it did, it knocked me off my feet. 

Yes, that feeling. 

I wasn’t prepared to look PPA straight in the eye and stay along with the path paved around my postpartum period.

My story of Postpartum Anxiety: What was it like for me?

It was the scariest and out-of-mind experience I’ve ever been on. When I was recovering home after the birth of my son, I was constantly alert with heightened worries and physical symptoms.

My heart was invariably racing at all times; I couldn’t sleep, my body was crumbling. In addition, I would have constant nausea and felt stressed all the time.

I didn’t want to go outside. I didn’t want anyone visiting our home. Also, the constant unannounced visits made it worst. I was a first-time mom, and I thought all of these visits were supposed to make everyone happy besides me.

**Trigger Warning: Death, Intrusive Thoughts

I would have racing thoughts as he will be in grave danger and die anytime soon. But then, I would constantly check if he was okay. He was a healthy and happy baby; he was perfectly safe.

To me, it was the excessive, repetitive thoughts and images of harm coming to my son that shackled me to the ground. Then it progressed to thoughts of me getting harmed or dying as well. And, finally, the feelings of impending doom – strike whenever, wherever.

I know in my heart that I would never hurt my baby or myself; I was even scared to have those recurring thoughts.

But I couldn’t shake them off, no matter what and how I tried to do it on my own.

Almost identical to having obsessive-compulsive symptoms on top of my severe anxiety.

I felt slowly sinking in my dangerous thoughts, and my body was responding in a way that I can’t control either. It was very much like a spin-around ride of unending negative thoughts repeatedly cycling, and I can’t stop it.

It wasn’t just once.

**Trigger Warning: Death, Miscarriage

Postpartum anxiety didn’t happen only when I had my son. I also came face-to-face with it again when I lost my baby girl and when I had my premature daughter at 28th weeks. 

Although, I had it more times than others. Every experience was different each time. 

Losing a child was the hardest to overcome, along with the postpartum anxiety and depression. It was like seeing yourself in a horror movie, crawling out of a shut window in a cold basement with blood all over you. 

My miscarriage was the most heartbreaking experienced I’ve ever encountered. I never really know how it was for many moms who had pregnancy loss until I walked through it.

The moment I felt my heart stopped hearing the words that there wasn’t a heartbeat anymore. I was hemorrhaging at home five days after discovering my pregnancy loss, and I had to undergo surgery. 

I was in my second trimester already; it wasn’t supposed to happen. 

But sadly, it did.

I questioned myself why it all happened. I blamed myself for the things I had no control of. It was crippling. The anxiety symptoms came back along with depression.

Insomnia, excessive worrying, uncontrollable bodily symptoms, and all depression symptoms you can ever read about.

I never in my mind that I could ever have survived feeling both at the same time. 

That was beyond what my human power could handle. 

RELATED POST: Postpartum Anxiety and Tips for Moms Who Have It

Instead of being truly happy being pregnant again, anxiety crept back in…

Going through pregnancy after a loss was way beyond what I could ever imagine. It was like flying through a raging storm cloud, unable to see the end of it. 

Every little thing was triggering me. When another threat of early miscarriage, my perinatal anxiety continued to rise to an absolute height. 

Any twinge or discomfort in my body, I was hyper-alert, and I would worry excessively. Even going to the bathroom was a nightmare, fearing there’ll be a sight of blood.

I would constantly listen to my baby’s heartbeat using a home portable doppler. I would call my OB clinic more times than I can ever count. (My OB clinic addressed every question and concern I ever had.)

The constant fuel of worries and fears…

Suddenly I was bleeding around the 16th week (second trimester) while at work. I had to be monitored closely for more episodes of intermittent bleeding by my OB doctor. The bleeding finally stopped. My baby was safe and unharmed inside.

Then my anxiety got worse. When I had an early C-section due to preeclampsia, I was not responding to treatment after grueling five days in the hospital. Again, my baby was only 28 weeks at that time. It was too early but life-saving for both of us.

It was too much, more than enough for me to go down the drain again.

Every day was a struggle for me. 

This time was different from the previous episodes. It was still difficult, but I was able to recognize what was happening to me.

Although that was the case, it wasn’t easy at all.

Just thinking about what will happen to my sweet baby girl and being in the NICU was enough for my mind to spin over.

It was enormously more challenging when I also had to be present and be there for my son. Although I know my husband was there for him, I’ve felt I’ve failed him as his mom.

He didn’t deserve to have a mom that was barely hanging on. I still have to wake up, show up and keep going.

On top of that, my daughter is fighting for her life in the NICU. So she also needed a mom who cares for herself and strives to stay healthy – mind and body.

My husband was the trooper in all of these. When I couldn’t show up for everyone or myself, he picked up what he can and carried us all through. And the person who reminded me that it’d all be alright.

How did I manage all that?

Although all of it was crippling me, I continued to stay positive. However, it was beyond difficult due to my emotions being all over the place.

I’m thankful for my supportive husband that through it all, he’s my rock. I also made sure I reached out to my village: my parents, relatives, friends, and close nursing colleagues. 

I continued my trust in God. There wasn’t anything He can’t do. He’s my Amazing Grace and my Refuge. He strengthened me and kept me in His Perfect Love.

The most loved verse of mine at that time was “Perfect Love casts out fears.” 1 John 4:18

I reached out to my doctor and sought help. As a result, I started on meditations, relaxation methods, and other interventions. To sum, all three experiences of having postpartum anxiety required different approaches each time.

Exercise also helped with my mood, both my anxiety and depression. Somehow, it lifted me and gave me another purpose to focus and push more for myself. Self-care practice helps me save myself.

I’ve learned to calm my mind through meditation and yoga practice. In addition, writing how I felt when anxiety comes full force helped me reduce some of my burdens.

Lastly, I committed to putting myself first for my healing and recovery. It wasn’t easy to overcome all of it, but I gave my best. 

All of these postpartum anxiety experiences and my story had made my motherhood hard. However, it made me a stronger person coming out of it. I am grateful for being a mom, and I wouldn’t exchange it for anything.

It taught me that even how prepared I was to become a mom finally, I did not know what comes ahead. It taught me that healing could happen no matter how slow; it’s steady and full of grace.

The people who loved me will be there no matter what and are willing to support me. For that, I’m grateful.

I’ve been fortunate that I have a solid support system, and my healthcare team is responsive. In addition, my faith in God kept me centered. 

Takeaways for Moms with Postpartum Anxiety

I want to let moms with postpartum anxiety know that they can overcome it, and your story doesn’t end there. To know that you aren’t alone in this battle. You are more powerful than you think. 

You’ll heal in time and recover at your own pace. Don’t let it define you or your motherhood.

When you take a step forward to acknowledge what you’ve been through, you’ll discover a new strength that is incomparable to your past or what you’ve gone through.

Find strategies that can help you in your healing journey with PPA. Remember, there is help for you.

Also, set clear boundaries around your postpartum period regardless if you are experiencing postpartum mental disorders. It has been shared by many moms, especially first-time moms, the overwhelming pressures of others. It is your healing time, your recovery phase. You decide what you can take and limit what you can’t.

RELATED POST: First-Time Mom? The Honest, Raw, and Obvious Truth

Here are simple tips for managing postpartum anxiety:

• To know yourself and the profound changes in your body and mind.
• Take care of yourself; prioritize yourself
• Speak up about your fears around your pregnancy, labor, birth, and recovery.
• Create a strong system of supportive people in your life and ask for help. 
• Take it easy on yourself, don’t blame yourself that it happened to you
• Continue to seek help when needed – from your doctor, therapist, and other healthcare providers.
• Make time to bond with your newborn as you possibly can

It may be hard to see the end of the tunnel, you may think you aren’t good enough for your baby, or you may think you failed. Those are not true. These thoughts will all be lessened in time, and hopefully, you’ll recover. 

Healing from your postpartum anxiety can take a long time and requires your commitment. Take it each day at a time, as I did.

In the end, you heal from within, and your overall mental health and wellness will resurface in time.

My story of postpartum anxiety is one I keep tucked in my heart, knowing I fought the hardest and I healed.

If you are battling postpartum anxiety and need help, please reach out to your doctor or call the resource below.

Moms can reach the NAMI HelpLine Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.–8 p.m., ET.
1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or [email protected]

RELATED POST: Postpartum Anxiety and Tips for Moms Who Have It

Have you gone through postpartum anxiety? In what ways did you overcome or manage it? What would you tell a mom who’s hurting from postpartum anxiety? Would you please share in the comments?