How to Support Someone with a Pregnancy Loss

Supporting a mom who had a pregnancy loss isn’t easy. Experiencing a pregnancy loss is devastating to the mom, the spouse, and even the kids too. If you are here, chances are you know someone who had a pregnancy loss or miscarriage. So how can you best support someone with a pregnancy loss?

Your relationship with the mom will guide you on approaching the grieving mom or even the spouse as you find ways to offer your support.

A matter of concern is to tread lightly with your words, actions, and even unspoken words. You may mean well, but it may come across as insensitivity or non-empathetic towards the grieving parent.

To have a pregnancy loss or a family to experience such baby loss is heartbreaking. Yet, as I recall mine, it still hurts to this day. It may not be as raw as the day or the week it happened, but it doesn’t minimize the pain. Years passed, the hurt of losing someone you love remains true.

A mom grieves for her lost child the same as the loss of any important person in her life and family.

Supporting someone in your life who had a pregnancy loss.

Listen.

I can’t stress this enough. When the grieving parent voices out their pain, anger, guilt, or even shame. Listen with an open heart and supportive attitude.  

Don’t try to fix her or offer advice (unless asked). Instead, through listening, you’ll be able to know how to approach the situation and offer comfort.

If she’s not ready to share anything or may hold back details, please respect that. You are there for support; even being by her side is more than enough. 

Don’t minimize the lost pregnancy. 

Like saying, “It was still early; it couldn’t be that big of a deal.” When you say these sharp-edged swords of words, it cuts through deep. 

It doesn’t become unimportant to the grieving mom whether she lost the pregnancy early or at 23 weeks or more. She lost a child. A loss is a significant loss regardless of the pregnancy age. 

Acknowledge her feelings of loss and validate them. Be her support through her grieving process instead of expressing dismissive words. 

Offer what you can do for her. 

• Tell her you’ll be dropping off some home-cooked meals by their porch. 

• Pick up her school-aged children that day for them (if you knew about the pregnancy loss).

• Take the mom out to get some fresh air if she’s physically up to it. 

• You can also do light work in the house; she’s overwhelmed with grief while coping with physical recovery. She may need constant care as she walks through this painful journey.

• If her spouse works, you can offer to come by and be with her.

• Small, thoughtful gestures mean a lot to a grieving parent.

No matter what, don’t ask, “what did you do?”

Honestly, I heard this from someone whom I thought would understand because she’s also a mom.

Hearing such harsh remarks made me feel more guilty than any other time in my life. It stabbed me straight to my core and added more pain to my already aching heart. 

When a mom loses the pregnancy, her baby; she’s already blaming herself for what happened, spoken or unspoken. But, unfortunately, there’s nothing else she could have done to prevent it from happening. 

Please don’t add salt to the wound. And the saying applies; if you can’t say anything helpful, keep your mouth closed.

It is nobody’s fault that a mom loses her baby. So instead, tell her it wasn’t her fault. 

When a mom requests to be left alone. Respect it.

Everyone grieves differently. Some moms need someone beside them for comfort; some may opt out of the company to grieve privately. 

Suppose she’s not ready or will never share. Then, abide by her wishes and offer your prayers or thoughts in private. 

When she’s ready to share her pain of loss, be her comforting shoulder to cry on. Let her pour everything out and don’t pass judgment. 

Also, the news isn’t for you to share publicly or privately. Please refrain from telling the world about someone’s loss unless it has been made public by the grieving parents or you had permission to share. Please respect their privacy in times of loss. 

“At least…” Forget this phrase, please.

Who would want to hear these words? But, at least you have your older child, or at least you know you can get pregnant. 

Or, at least, you can try again. At least, it’s for the best.

It doesn’t help the grieving mom even to process those words. So be sensitive to her pain, to her grief, to her loss. Please don’t dismiss the painful experience she’s going through.

That baby is as important as her living children too. If it was a first-time mom, don’t say that it was for the best, even if the baby wouldn’t have survived. She’s already grieving the tremendous loss. 

Simple words that mean more to a grieving parent.

• I am here for you.
• I am sorry for your loss.
• What can I do for you? (Follow through)
• If they named their baby, use the name in your conversation.
• I don’t know what to say, but I am sorry for your loss.

What you say during this challenging time will be remembered and noted. Please choose to be kind and thoughtful. Refrain from words that you think will add more to the pain that a grieving mom is experiencing. 

Another way to help you out is to ask yourself – would I be hurt if I hear these words, or would I be comforted. 

True, no one can predict how your words carry weight on a broken-hearted parent. But, if it comes from your heart, your comments will matter and bring comfort. 

Reach out on those important dates (if you have the details). 

The day they lost the pregnancy, the day the baby was delivered, even supposed to be due dates (if known).

These dates are tough for a grieving parent to get through. 

If they are planning to honor or offer remembrance day for their lost child – ask what you can do to help. First, attend the memorial service if it’s publicly announced. If the grieving parents are doing a private ceremony and haven’t sent out invites, they prefer to be by themselves. 

Send flowers or note cards that’ll tell her you are thinking of her today. Then, whenever possible, call her on the phone to check on her.

Use the chosen name of the child.

If the parents named their child, it’s always appreciated to hear you speak of their child. It puts it into perspective that their child existed, that their loss is real. 

If they hadn’t named the child, you could address your “baby” or “son/daughter” as you try to offer comforting words. 

Be careful with words about faith. 

Even though you mean well, their grief may have dug up some mixed emotions about their beliefs.

Resentment may manifest because of the pain and sorrow. Not everyone responds to support from a religious approach.

However, the other side of it, when the grieving parent asks for prayers and comforting words – then yes, go ahead and support her through prayers and the Divine Words. 

At first, I questioned everything. I wasn’t angry; I was ashamed of not being able to protect my child. And so, I blamed myself for the longest time. 

But with God’s words, my husband’s reassuring love, and the genuine support from closest friends, I was able to lift my sorrow and surrender it all. That’s when I began to heal. 

Don’t forget to ask how she is and her spouse?

It is acknowledging the fact that grieving a pregnancy loss is experienced by both parents. It may not seem obvious to see the pain other than the mom’s but dad’s grieve.

Keep in touch and continue to provide support no matter how and when. Grieving is a process, and healing comes unrushed. 

Even if they may not respond, they know you are there to support them. Likewise, the grieving parents both know that you cared. 

Don’t forget about her other children. They are grieving and may need your gentle support as they try to understand what’s happening. Listen to them if they want to express sorrow and sadness.

Encourage her to seek help when she is struggling and unable to cope.

You may not see the whole picture of her grieving process. Also, a grieving mom may show signs of depression and anxiety after the miscarriage. These signs and symptoms can progress into an alarming situation, and she may need immediate help.

Also, be alert of her emotional state when possible. Finally, keep in touch; a grieving mom may feel socially isolated or alone in this unexpected and challenging time in her life.

RELATED POST: My Personal Story of Postpartum Anxiety

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Bring thoughtful gifts for the grieving mom.

• A memory box to keep everything she wants to remember about the baby.
• A comfort box for her
• Memorial frame 
• A thoughtful book
• Name of Child on a small engraved jewelry
• Personalized Birthstone Jewelry
• A blank journal for healing
• A gift for a grieving Dad

What you can do to offer support for someone who had a pregnancy loss.

Let her lead you. Don’t impose on your beliefs. Be careful with your words. When you aren’t sure what to say, saying I’m sorry is more than enough. 

Offer practical support to the grieving parent, such as home care or other temporary child care during these difficult times. 

Know that sometimes, a grieving mom won’t send back messages or answer your calls of concerns. You may not hear for ages, and then one day – she’s ready to tell you what happened and her story of loss. 

Your search for how to genuinely support someone in times of pregnancy loss means you are a caring, loving family or friend who cares for a grieving mom/dad. 

Supporting a grieving parent in a time of loss can be heartbreaking at the same time. Your thoughtful actions and kind words are appreciated. How you help her cope with her loss means more than you know in days, months, or years to come.

I appreciate you for taking the time to read this post. 

I hope you found this piece valuable as you navigate this challenging time to support someone in your life who had a pregnancy loss.

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