Helping a Sibling of a NICU Baby Adjust
Parents walk into a new world when a baby is in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). Having other children at home and another at the NICU can turn your lives upside down, and it certainly makes you wish to be split in two. As a NICU mama myself, I’m sharing some ideas to encourage you in helping your child adjust to having a baby sibling in the NICU.
It may not be precisely the same circumstance as to what you’re going through. Although it may look similar, you’ve got a baby in the NICU and their siblings at home with you.
During our NICU time, I’ve felt broken and lost – for thinking how I will do all these. Yet, I knew my son at home needed me more than ever, and my NICU baby daughter also needed me.
You can navigate this difficult situation with all the possible solutions in your mind. However, be prepared that this may bring on emotions that you’ve never thought you’d uncover within you. You’ll be thrust into a world of uncertainty and void of predictability.
At first, you may think, this isn’t happening to you, your family, and especially your newborn. So that, you’ve been careful, and you’ve attended every pregnancy visit without fail. Yet, it still happened. Your baby came early.
You may feel angry for how this turned out to be. I hear you, and I feel for you.
Suppose you feel like screaming and asking why – do it. Let it out and weep. If only you could give something else rather than be in this situation. Any mama would do anything.
Sadness may sweep over you as you soak in the experience of being a NICU parent.
Then realization follows that this is what it is – the journey you didn’t intend to be in.
But the experience your children will know and remember for the rest of their lives – can be attributed to how well they were able to adjust during these difficult times with your help.
Helping with your children’s adjustment with a baby sibling in the NICU.
You start to plan how you divide your hours and days between the NICU and home—listing down what you need as you go back and forth in caring for your children.
One thing first is for you to acknowledge your feelings towards the NICU life you’re in now, so you’ll be able to support your children at home during these times.
Be honest with your emotions. Talk it out with your spouse, someone close to you, or even a healthcare professional. Those mixed feelings I was mentioning earlier need to be talked about and heard.
Once you begin that, you can move forward into focusing your effort on helping your children transition as they care and bond for their NICU baby sibling.
Look into how your children at home are talking about the baby sibling in the NICU. Are they curious, fearful, or distant – this will help guide you to be there for them as they take on their new role as older siblings.
They may be puzzled as to the reasons the new baby isn’t coming home yet.
There are countless corners of the NICU life you are going through as a parent right now, and it’s hard. So seeking those strategies to help you navigate NICU life as a parent is crucial for you.
One of those ways is to support your other children in adjusting to this new routine, a massive change as part of their lives.
It’s all new to them as much as to you. So let this NICU journey of your family be a chance to find meaning and establish a stronger connection between your children.
RELATED POST: Tips for a Struggling NICU Mom: Surviving the NICU Life
Tips on how to support a Sibling of a NICU baby
1. Acknowledge your children’s feelings
Listen to their questions intently and ask what they want to know about their NICU baby. Also, responding to their questions in a way they can easily understand will be easier to do when you’re open and honest to them.
Siblings of a NICU baby may feel worried, jealous, lonely, guilt, and other emotions you may not recognize. But, of course, it’s natural for them to miss you too.
There will be questions from them that you can’t give wrong or correct answers to, especially if they’re asking when the baby is coming home.
Please take a deep breath when you feel like drowning from it.
Do what you feel is right for you to tell your children.
NICU life is full of uncertain and unexpected turns. It’s living from a terrifying edge of a cliff – in a constant stressful atmosphere.
Accepting your children’s take on this experience and their worries and fears. Help them through the process by letting them know you are there for them.
Whenever they have the same questions, answer them patiently. But, of course, it’s also okay to say you don’t know anything.
2. Create Art for the NICU baby
One thing that your children can do is to make something to show their love for their NICU baby sibling.
They can draw or paint something for the baby. For example, they can decorate a name tag for the NICU isolette. You can encourage them to do what they want to create.
They can also write letters to their NICU baby siblings – to write about themselves as brothers or sisters. They can include news about their school in their letter or what they’ve been up to at home.
3. Read books about NICU or being a Big Brother/Sister.
As you go through these new experiences, let your children read anything about NICU and their new baby sibling. Plenty of books explain the situation, including artful images, to understand what’s going on.
You can purchase some sibling books for them to read and explore. First, let them tell you the story of the book they’re reading. Then, ask them questions about their thoughts on the book.
Doing this will help them explore their feelings towards this new chapter in their lives.
4. Alone time with your child
No matter how it is right now, your children will crave more attention. Give them undivided time.
Spend one on one time with your children and enjoy each other’s company either at home or out. Show them that your love hasn’t changed at all.
Set aside special time/hours of the day to be with them. Go somewhere that’s fun, like your children’s favorite place or spot.
You can also honor their preference to be alone, especially the older children (teens and older). Although they may process this time unusually, your support is crucial to them.
Don’t rush any of your children to express what they want to say or do. Being present at each moment will give them more assurance and love while understanding the home life situation.
It will be helpful if you also keep their home routine as unchanged as possible. To take on that requires tremendous support from your spouse or trusted someone. For example, you may read them a bedtime story before they sleep or have a quick lunch at school together.
5. Visit together as a family in the NICU.
Preparing your children to visit the NICU for the first time can be overwhelming for both of you.
Let them know what they’re going to see once you’re inside the NICU. Take a picture of the NICU baby beforehand and show it to your children days ahead before visiting.
This gesture will prepare your children to visualize what their baby sibling will look like in the incubator.
It’s okay if your children are fearful and don’t want to visit yet. Take their cues when they are ready.
They may start to ask more questions about the baby or wanting to see more NICU pictures. Let them guide you; you’ll know when they’re ready.
Visiting together can help your children cope with seeing their baby sibling in the NICU. In addition, it facilitates and promotes bonding.
6. Explain the NICU gadgets to their understanding
Once in the NICU, they’ll have more questions about what’s happening. Let them know that those wires, alarms, tubes, and medications are there to help their siblings grow, heal, and feel better.
My son was curious when he saw his baby sister for the first time. He thought that she was too tiny – which she was, as a 28 weeker preemie.
Eventually, as he kept visiting her, he saw how she grew inside the isolette. He also was fascinated by how she responded to his gentle touch.
He kept telling her that he loved her very much and couldn’t wait to take her home. As a parent, seeing that made my heart burst with joy and full of love.
There’s no definite explanation for what you’re feeling. It’s all mixed up in there – inside your heart.
RELATED POST: NICU Baby is Ready for Discharge
7. Encourage them to read/sing to their NICU sibling.
Babies can already hear the voices coming from outside the womb. They become familiar with these voices in the family. Sibling bonds can naturally begin when you let them unfold.
If they want, let them read their favorite book to their NICU sibling. Or sing to the baby with their favorite song. The baby can hear these sounds, which are already familiar to them, and will help them calm down.
Your child can feel closer to the baby when they can share what they wish to do. For example, as they express how much they love their new baby sibling.
8. Pray together
This one is big for our family. Prayer to us is talking to God and telling Him how we feel and our fears.
For me, it was difficult to see what was ahead, what His plans were. But, what I learned by praying is to surrender everything and trust that His will be done.
Let your children pray when they want to. A moment of silence in a busy NICU to spend time in prayer with your children. Or a quick visit to your church to light a candle of healing for their sibling.
It may be hard for you as well to lean on your faith at this time. There may be instances that you also aren’t able to pray. However, experiencing this challenging journey can put a gap that presents questions on the purpose of everything.
When your child asks to pray, hold hands and let them say the prayer. You’ll find that their innermost desires are simple yet powerful. It opens up a different connection that’s deeper than what you have imagined.
9. Let them help do NICU care for the baby sibling.
The NICU allows time for parents or families to perform simple tasks for the NICU baby.
With careful guidance, you can also let your children tend to their NICU siblings. These can be as simple as taking the temperature in the armpit or changing the diaper.
Your children can participate in any NICU care that is simple for them to perform and easy for you or the NICU nurse to guide them.
Celebrate together with every milestone. For example, how many ounces of weight was gained or the NG tube (feeding tube) had been discontinued.
10. Take a picture of the NICU baby and them.
Pictures are encouraged to have for the children to remember. But, again, check with the NICU policy on this. It shouldn’t be an issue as long as you’re only including your NICU baby and your family.
It was allowed for us in the past few years; there may be a strict policy of visitations now that Covid-19 is still ongoing. So it’s good to check with your specific hospital facility.
We were able to take pictures with my preemie daughter and my son when he visited the NICU. It helped my son adjust and ease his fears about his baby sister.
I’ve mentioned our baby loss before my preemie daughter was conceived. My son’s concern about our NICU baby not coming home was from the experience of losing his other sister before.
It was expected to see him feel worried during our NICU stay. However, through talking with him and his worries, we could process what was bothering him.
At that time, we weren’t sure of the NICU journey we were going to experience. We were all living minute to minute for months.
My husband and I reassured him the best we could that he was supported and could tell us anything.
Nowadays, we would look at those NICU pictures from almost six years ago, and both my children would affirm that they were there for each other from the start.
Another reason for me to appreciate what we’ve been through, no matter how it was at that time.
11. Make a memory book together with pictures, notes, and arts.
Compile all the pictures, arts, and notes written during the NICU stay and create a special book together. Add on to this book whenever milestones are reached, the visits, and hopefully the discharge time from the NICU.
It helps to record the time you all have been through. It strengthens your family and shows the love and care you have shared for one another, especially your children in the NICU.
12. Let other people in your children’s lives know what’s up.
You can give a heads up to your children’s teachers and daycare caregivers about the changes in your family life.
There may be new behaviors exhibited by your children or emerging emotional challenges when they’re at school or learning centers.
Extend more understanding to the way your children act at school. But also assure them that it doesn’t give your children a pass on negative behaviors.
Collaborate with the teachers/caregivers to inform you when something arises and to call you.
Another way to support your children is to let them spend time with close family members/friends with kids who know your current situation. Your children thrive with normalcy around them with continued interactions besides your immediate family.
13. Helping them adjust, you can seek out a local or national support group for Sibling of a NICU baby.
Check with your nurses and social workers assigned to the NICU. They’ll be able to point you to the right connections.
If you want, you can also reach out for NICU support online. Find the online community for NICU sibling support for your children.
A few lists of NICU Sibling Support Organizations:
Supporting a Sibling of a NICU baby can be a challenge for Parents
There’s no perfect way to support your children in navigating NICU life and creating a smoother adjustment for them.
What worked for my family and me may not apply to you. But I can assure you that your concern in supporting your children’s adjustment with their NICU baby siblings will be enough for you to guide them.
You know your children well. Be there for each other, especially during these trying times in the family.
I’m hoping that as you continue to walk through NICU life with the whole family, you’ll be able to get through this with your children. Being your children’s pillar in helping them adjust and connect with their baby sibling in the NICU.
The mentioned ideas are not one perfect list for your older children to connect with their NICU baby sibling, but it’s a start.
Try to do what you can to foster sibling connections at this time. It doesn’t have to be rushed or forced. Let your children lead you.
Mama, you’re doing everything you can at this difficult time for your family. But remember to care for yourself and manage your stress as well.
Take it easy. Calmly, take another deep breath, and release. You are doing great as a NICU mom.
When the time comes to remember after years have gone by, all you have are memories. But, the love between your children is never forgotten.
To the parents of a NICU baby from the past, present, and future – may you find comfort in keeping a strong bond during family time in the NICU.
Share this article with parents who have children and have a baby in the NICU. Comment below if you had a NICU experience with your children and a premature baby.
